I am hurting…

And I want it to stop. He won’t talk to me. I saw that girl Roz at the mall today and I was too scared to talk to her. I hate that he is making ME feel bad about this when he’s the one who dumped me. I am in so much pain. It’s all I ever think about. I seriously just want this to stop. End it all. Why? What did I ever do to him that makes it okay for this to happen? I can’t live in my head any longer.

I have been fighting the good fight…

When is there time to update? Neverrrr. I took on a reallllly tough work load at school this semester. Multiple poems due every week along with critiques on 15 of my classmates. Fiction stories to read, comment on, pour over. Literature class is weighing me down. I’m not good enough for it. Teacher’s words, not mine. And then Shakespeare. A play a week, an Act a night. When is there time for anything else? Of course now I just got a job, so I’m really going to go crazy. But I will march on, because that is my job. My official job is to always be in a stressful situation and constantly work through it. Zoloft is going to be a large part of that in the coming months. Apparently headshrinkers think I am an amusing case. Lots to report, little time to do so, and now my laptop is dying and I left the charger at home on my brand spanking new IKEA desk. The one that I am still in pain from, due to moving it around a million times. Oh my.

Finally time for an update.

So nothing worth noting has been going on in my life until today. I’ve pretty much just watched Bones, hung out with people, and read a lot during break. I’ve done some other stuff, but it’s not important. Let me just break down this post.

• I have decided to join an archeology club. They have one called the Litchfield Hills Archeology Group or something and it looks super interesting. I have always wanted to go on a dig, and they do digs during the summer. I might even take a class or two at Southern about it.
  
• I want to start a book club. It will meet once a month, but I have yet to decide where to hold it. I’d like to find people who are interested first, so then we can find a place that is convenient for all.
  
• I am applying to libraries in the surrounding areas of my town, and I really hope I find something. I would love to work at a library.
  
• I want to volunteer (or work) at the Clockwork Repertory Theater. When I was looking them up on the internet, I found that they did a Murder Mystery Thriller play last year, and I would love being involved with something like that.
• I honestly want to find better people to be around. I am tired of people taking me for granted and I want to make new contacts and expand my social circle. The things I’ve mentioned above are going to better my life, and possible help me network and find more opportunities. My therapist has been helping me a lot with this, and I can’t wait to start doing more with my life.
  
• Classes start up on Monday. I honestly do not want to go. I am going to be so stressed until I can find classes to fill the gaps. I also want to drop exercise science because I have a gym membership, and I don’t want to take a class that I can easily get waived. I have to concentrate on finding classes that I really need to take, like a LANGUAGE. At this rate I’ll be taking a language until I graduate. Ugh. I pretty much decided to take Spanish. Since everything is being written in English and Spanish, it couldn’t hurt.
  
• Soon I will start working on my case against the insurance company. I am nervous, but eager to put this all behind me so I can finally heal. I can still see the scar from the seat belt and it is a reminder that I am so lucky to be alive. That is why I got the tattoo I did. ( In case I forgot to mention I got a tattoo that says “I’m Alive” on my left breast. It was the closest I could get to my heart and I love it.) I have to keep telling myself to live my life. I need to do what I want to do for a change, and stop being scared. It’s time to put myself first for once. I am quite excited.
  
• I need to go to the gym more. Ever since the accident I got lazy. I gained all the weight I lost over the summer back. It bothers me. I want to be healthier. I also have got to stop this on and off smoking thing. Weed and Camels. Ugh. It does not help, trust me. A few minutes of intensive running on the treadmill and I’m just about gasping for breath. When I smoke, my lungs and chest hurt pretty bad. Mostly it’s when I smoke weed. Honestly, I am going to stop. Ask me in a month if I did, and you’ll be satisfied with your answer. I don’t get addicted to things so it’s easy for me to quit. Quite easy actually…as long as I just resist the temptation. I swear, one day I’m going to knock that devil off my shoulder and give the angel a cookie! ( Strange enough the Angel looks like David Borneaz. Hottie!)

• I have fallen in love with Bit Torrenting. I downloaded all five seasons of Angel, all four seasons of Bones (I know, it’s an addiction), all six seasons of Family Guy, and the original Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie with Kristy Swanson, Donald Sutherland, David Arquette, and the fabulous Luke Perry (in his prime). Ben Affleck and Ricki Lake make slight appearances as well. I highly recommend this movie. Who cares if it’s cheesy? It’s cheesy at it’s best. I have also downloaded a few other things.
  

I am hanging out with Nicholas tomorrow before NVCC starts on Thursday and the Optimum Online guys just got here to fix the box that has been making my internet all wacky. (Yeah, it’s 1:30 am…I know) So I say it is time for bed. Goodnight. <3

And now I can’t post it because the internet is down again! UGH. There are two cop cars and two Optimum trucks out there. Fix my internet and let me go to sleep! Sheesh.

The good life…

I did the white ones.

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant- Not on purpose. I got stuck with the bill after work once.
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies
62. Went Whale Watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand-new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

45 for me. I want to do more!

And I kissed the sun goodbye…

I wish I was a vampire.

I really do. Lol.

Anywho, I am happy to have my colored font button back.

So i’ve been pretty busy lately. I got the stomach flu, and then I got a head cold. I had to press on through finals while I felt like total crap. I really hope I passed my Math final. It seemed like I got some of the questions right, but it’s always a toss up. My twenty page English paper turned out like crap because I was sick when I wrote it. I didn’t have time to edit it, so I probably fucked it up pretty bad, but at least I turned it in and i’m going to get a grade for it. I finished my Health final in 7 or less minutes. I am a bad ass. I don’t know if I passed Zoology yet. Grades don’t get posted till sometime in January. I don’t have to go back to school until January 26th I think, so hopefully I can find a class to add before then. If not, i’ll be scrambling to find a class before add/drop ends. My Christmas shopping is all done. I just have to wrap one present and put all the stocking stuffers in the stockings….when we actually get around to hanging them. Lol. Joe came to see me while he was on leave. He ships off to Kuwait on the 29th and then he goes to Iraq. I am nervous. Angel and I made tons of cookies and baked goods to give to people, because I can’t afford to get everyone presents. We watched some Christmas movies with the family too. I also want to have a New Years Eve party. I am very excited about that. I will update more on the subject soon. I need a good name for my Guild Wars character, so throw some my way! I’m gonna go read.

Happy Holidays! <3

I’d like to think that you care about me…

But I don’t think that you actually do.

I am too tired.

I am so tired right now. I just want to go home and curl up in bed, but I still have a math class to attend. 4 hours and 40 minutes till I can go home! Yay. So to recap my life, last Thursday I went to see Twilight at midnight. It was cool. There was a bunch of teenage girls there however, so at some parts, I couldn’t even hear the movie. Friday I went to Barnes and Noble with Lis and we mooched ice water. Then I had to go home to prove to Dad that I did not have the stupid papers in the car he needed. I drove to Angels after that and Megan and Erin came over. We attempted to play Eat It, but we were all pretty tired so we called it a night. On Saturday I saw Zach and Miri Make a Porno again with Marko, and then hung out with Rob, Hugo, Booby, James, David, Dee, and some other people. I ended up eating a really cold/hard Twix in Boobies car while we talked and listened to some awesome music. Sunday I think Nick came over…or something. Monday I went to classes and my cousin Angel shadowed me. It was cool. Tuesday I skipped Health (as usual) and I went to my therapy appointment. Then I went to the doctors and then Nick’s house. Wednesday I went to the UPS interview. I start work on the 15th or around there. Then I picked up my car, got a cake for my Mom, made cranberry sauce, and then went to Joys to make pies. My cousin Justin has two puppies, and they got so big. Primo is his dog. Scooby is not really his, he’s just there until the owner wants to take it. They played a trick on me. Scooby starting drinking my koolaid while Primo ate almost all the stir fry on my plate! Those tricky little bastards. Lol. I was so sad. Thanksgiving was good. I wrote a paper for English, ate food, played games with the family, and all that. They started watching Tropic Thunder but I got bored so I took a nap with my kitty. Then Nicholas, Angel, and I went to see Twilight again. He was annoyed because we talked and swooned alot. Lolz. Then Friday we went to Cracker Barrel and Best Buy. Then we took a nap and me and Nicholas went to the Spill Canvas concert. It was awesome. They make me happy. We went back to his house and watched the new Monk and Psych. Saturday me, mom, dad, Joy, Angel, Debbie, and Jeff all went to see Twilight. Me and Angel knew all the lines so we just recited them and giggled a lot. It was awesome. Then we went to my house, ate, watched Charlie Brown, put up some posters in my room, and then watched Zach and Miri Make a Porno again. Sunday I went to Walmart to get an ice scraper and my mom bought the original rock band for my Christmas present. ^_^ I know, the new Rockband comes out and i’m just getting the first one. Then I just hung around the house. All in all an okay week. Since I was so busy it was a lot easier to just escape all the crap thats been happening.

Spinning.

It is freezing in the coffee lounge today. I have gloves on, and I have my coat draped over my legs. The past few days have been a nightmare. On Friday I had a panic attack in the car on the way to the hookah bar. Nicholas was driving and I just started freaking out. I calmed down a bit, and it was okay after we got out of the car. I was okay for the rest of the weekend until Monday. I got home around 7, because I had class till 6 and then I had to drive home. I start fixing my plate and I eat a little bit when my mom is like “Oh, Win, tell her what the lawyer said” So he tells me that the lawyer needs my therapists name and number and stuff and then he goes “Oh, and he said the insurance company is accepting liablity, and they offered 3,000(something to that effect) for the car. And I was like “Awesome, but you didn’t accept that yet, right? I need to talk to Mikey first” He says no, and then he goes “Well, I can accept it if I want to, it’s my fucking car…blah blah blah” So I say “I’m the one who almost died, it was my accident” and then shit just explodes. He starts screaming, calling me a retard and an idiot, and saying how he’s not going to tell me what else the lawyer said because i’m an asshole, ect. Then mom starts in and is like “I’m taking you off the insurance, blah blah” so i’m like crying all over my dinner and I just get my keys and leave. I drive all the way to my aunts house crying and whatnot in my pj pants and then I hung out with Angel all night (and probably made her late for school the next day). Needless to say, I was upset. So I get home and dad was sleeping mom said “Hi” and that was that. Yesterday I was so tired I didn’t go to health class. I talked to my brother about what happened and then went to therapy. She wants me to go on medication. Anti-depressant/anti-anxiety. I don’t know if I want to take both. I might just get some Xanax and take it when I need it. I doubt i’ll follow the dosage. I don’t want to be hooked on these things, and I certainly don’t want to be a zombie. She also wants me to bring my mom next week. I asked mom, but I don’t know if she’ll go. I hope so. Our family needs to be fixed. Then I went home and slept. I woke up and my mom asked how it went. I told her about the medication, and she was like “Why do you need it?” so then Dad sticks his big head in and starts yelling at me. “You need to stop hanging out with Joy, blah blah blah” So after they left I just got really upset again and it continued throughout the night. I ended up crying myself to sleep and Nicholas calls. It’s like 12 am and we end the call on bad terms. Commence crying myself to sleep and waking up okay. I felt better this morning, he called to see if I was okay, ect. I went to class. Then he calls again and all hell broke loose. We got into a stupid fight and I ended up crying in the coffee lounge. When I stopped crying I wrote him a message on myspace and calmed down. Now i’m writing this and trying to get my mind off everything. I’m making a Sephora holiday e-card for everyone, so expect one in your inboxes soon. I really want this whole crappy accident mess to stop. It’s tearing apart my family and it’s making me mess up everything else. I feel like i’m back in high school again. Depression, thoughts of not so nice things that I could do to myself. But the only exception is i’m stronger now. So I may be depressed, but I know i’m going to make it through this, and I hope beyond all hope that things will get better. Right now, I just need a stable support group to help me get over this hump in the road. Yes, I said hump.

Ten points for saying BONER.

The girls got a smile that will put the sun out of buisness!

So I was really upset on Monday but Tuesday was a better day. I felt happier for some reason. I had my first appointment at Family Services and it was helpful. My therapist is really sweet. She said that I have Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder and that she is going to help me get over that, and start working on the other issues I have. I went to Barnes and Noble with Lis last night and had a wonderful conversation with her, and we mooched free ice water. We were obviously the coolest people there, and we must spend more time together in the very near future. Today has not been half bad either. Dehlia did not come to school today so i’m basically just sitting in Conn hall doing stuff. I have to finish a play for English class, hopefully discover a class I could register for, finally get some Nano done, and maybe even talk to Nicholas. I did not talk to him yesterday and he did not answer when I called, so the nice thing for him to do would be to call during my break. Bones is on tonight, and we all know I have a thing for Angel (not my cousin, David Boreanaz) and he just happens to be on that awesome show. Besides, they’ve been having some great people make cameos lately, and this week Brenden Fehr is joining the show for a while as Booth’s brother! Two hot buff guys on one of my favorite shows. Mmm. Excitement. I love how i’m taking up a whole booth for just me and my laptop, and other groups of people are like crammed into little tables and whatnot. Hehe. That’s what happens when you get here late! When everyone around me leaves i’m gonna go get something to drink and maybe a cookie. Mmm. They have reallly good cookies here. They run out fast though, so I hope there is one left. Well I guess it’s time to go read M. Butterfly. Ugh.

Lis my love, I would like to steal your “10 things I love about…” if you don’t mind, and I think I might devote my very first one to you because you are the the originator. Plus, you are just so darn cute!

Whuuuuuuuut.

When life hands you lemons…shove them in someones ass.

So basically I registered for one class for my major and two elective classes plus a gym class that is only worth half a credit. Four classes and I still only have 9.5 credits. I desperately need to find another class. My problem? THERE IS NOTHING. I don’t know if they haven’t figured out who is teaching the classes or what, but I can’t even find closed classes that I need. If I could find closed classes I could watch it like a hawk until someone dropped it. What is going on SCSU? I am filled with dread at the thought that I might not find another class let alone two more classes to bring me up to par with my work load. I am in a quickly sinking ship, and at the moment, I cannot find a safety vest to save my life. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I am numb. My stomach is constantly clenched or churning, and I do not know what to do. Yes, I admit I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NOW. I’ve heard bad things come in threes, but I must be in the second digit column by now. Maybe it’s a punishment. I was spared my life, and yet I have no time to actually live it. Tomorrow morning I am going to try to talk to my adviser and see what she can do for me (if she can even do something). I feel like vomiting. When winter break rolls around I might just curl in a ball under my covers and stay there until school starts back up. Nanowrimo has taken a major backseat. I have like 700 or so words I think, and I should have about 20,000 by now. I guess i’ll just have to try again next year. I need to study for my Math exam. I honestly hope I can pull that grade up.

The sad thing is…I really do like lemonade.