Shooting Starr

It is freezing in the coffee lounge today. I have gloves on, and I have my coat draped over my legs. The past few days have been a nightmare. On Friday I had a panic attack in the car on the way to the hookah bar. Nicholas was driving and I just started freaking out. I calmed down a bit, and it was okay after we got out of the car. I was okay for the rest of the weekend until Monday. I got home around 7, because I had class till 6 and then I had to drive home. I start fixing my plate and I eat a little bit when my mom is like “Oh, Win, tell her what the lawyer said” So he tells me that the lawyer needs my therapists name and number and stuff and then he goes “Oh, and he said the insurance company is accepting liablity, and they offered 3,000(something to that effect) for the car. And I was like “Awesome, but you didn’t accept that yet, right? I need to talk to Mikey first” He says no, and then he goes “Well, I can accept it if I want to, it’s my fucking car…blah blah blah” So I say “I’m the one who almost died, it was my accident” and then shit just explodes. He starts screaming, calling me a retard and an idiot, and saying how he’s not going to tell me what else the lawyer said because i’m an asshole, ect. Then mom starts in and is like “I’m taking you off the insurance, blah blah” so i’m like crying all over my dinner and I just get my keys and leave. I drive all the way to my aunts house crying and whatnot in my pj pants and then I hung out with Angel all night (and probably made her late for school the next day). Needless to say, I was upset. So I get home and dad was sleeping mom said “Hi” and that was that. Yesterday I was so tired I didn’t go to health class. I talked to my brother about what happened and then went to therapy. She wants me to go on medication. Anti-depressant/anti-anxiety. I don’t know if I want to take both. I might just get some Xanax and take it when I need it. I doubt i’ll follow the dosage. I don’t want to be hooked on these things, and I certainly don’t want to be a zombie. She also wants me to bring my mom next week. I asked mom, but I don’t know if she’ll go. I hope so. Our family needs to be fixed. Then I went home and slept. I woke up and my mom asked how it went. I told her about the medication, and she was like “Why do you need it?” so then Dad sticks his big head in and starts yelling at me. “You need to stop hanging out with Joy, blah blah blah” So after they left I just got really upset again and it continued throughout the night. I ended up crying myself to sleep and Nicholas calls. It’s like 12 am and we end the call on bad terms. Commence crying myself to sleep and waking up okay. I felt better this morning, he called to see if I was okay, ect. I went to class. Then he calls again and all hell broke loose. We got into a stupid fight and I ended up crying in the coffee lounge. When I stopped crying I wrote him a message on myspace and calmed down. Now i’m writing this and trying to get my mind off everything. I’m making a Sephora holiday e-card for everyone, so expect one in your inboxes soon. I really want this whole crappy accident mess to stop. It’s tearing apart my family and it’s making me mess up everything else. I feel like i’m back in high school again. Depression, thoughts of not so nice things that I could do to myself. But the only exception is i’m stronger now. So I may be depressed, but I know i’m going to make it through this, and I hope beyond all hope that things will get better. Right now, I just need a stable support group to help me get over this hump in the road. Yes, I said hump.

Ten points for saying BONER.

So basically I registered for one class for my major and two elective classes plus a gym class that is only worth half a credit. Four classes and I still only have 9.5 credits. I desperately need to find another class. My problem? THERE IS NOTHING. I don’t know if they haven’t figured out who is teaching the classes or what, but I can’t even find closed classes that I need. If I could find closed classes I could watch it like a hawk until someone dropped it. What is going on SCSU? I am filled with dread at the thought that I might not find another class let alone two more classes to bring me up to par with my work load. I am in a quickly sinking ship, and at the moment, I cannot find a safety vest to save my life. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I am numb. My stomach is constantly clenched or churning, and I do not know what to do. Yes, I admit I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NOW. I’ve heard bad things come in threes, but I must be in the second digit column by now. Maybe it’s a punishment. I was spared my life, and yet I have no time to actually live it. Tomorrow morning I am going to try to talk to my adviser and see what she can do for me (if she can even do something). I feel like vomiting. When winter break rolls around I might just curl in a ball under my covers and stay there until school starts back up. Nanowrimo has taken a major backseat. I have like 700 or so words I think, and I should have about 20,000 by now. I guess i’ll just have to try again next year. I need to study for my Math exam. I honestly hope I can pull that grade up.

The sad thing is…I really do like lemonade.

I am at a loss as to why my blog does not show the boxes for changing the font and stuff. I like changing my font colors. So here is a brief review of my life since last month: Car accident the week before midterms. Missed quizzes and my Bio midterm. Starting failing Math because I missed so many classes it was impossible to keep up. Probably failing Zoology. Had to buy a car with nearly all the money I saved up and I still had to borrow some from my parents. Due to working crazy hours every weekend, I missed out on time with Nicholas, and I don’t even know whats going on with him nowadays. I just found out what he did for Halloween yesterday. I had to replace a lot of my stuff that got damaged in the accident. The guys insurance company still has not accepted liability, so bills are piling up and a few are even past due, so now I have to probably pay more for that. I haven’t been to the gym since the last weekend of September. On Saturday I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. I need to look for another job. I don’t know what classes I’m going to take, because when I looked on the website all the classes in my major were full, and I don’t get to register until Monday. I am also very behind in Nanowrimo. Despite all of that, I am just going to keep trying my hardest and stay positive. Even though it’s hard sometimes. I can’t wait till winter break!