Shooting Starr

Gotta love a good Anti- Flag song. Anyway, worked a bunch. I’m itchy, tanner than ever (ugh), and sore. Fun times. Tomorrow I have my appointment with my “therapist.” I haven’t been able to go in a while, and it sucks. Then on Thursday i’m gonna be in Hatebreeds music video! Fuck yeah! Then I work Saturday and Sunday, and Sunday is INCUBUS. Oh yeah. I’m also going to Mayhem Fest, and to see Kathy Griffin. I’m all about the live entertainment again. I missed concerts and such. “Frank” and I have decided on what we’re going to do on our date. I’m excited. Atleast he wants to talk to me. Unlike “Martin.” Ugh. I have to admit, I do feel lonely sometimes because my friends are always too busy to hang out with me, ans when they’re not, something still gets in the way. I’m gonna go work on Joe’s care package for him and his mates in Iraq. Woo.

Let’s call him Martin. Martin and I have scads in common.  It’s freakish really. We talked a bit, and really hit it off. One day we were hanging out. He was acting quite weird because he was “tired.” He asked to cuddle, I obliged. We cuddled alright. We also made out on and off for two hours. It was the “artsy, romance movie” makeout style. Lots of forehead touching, long kisses, carressing, it was beautiful. (I also found a small hickey yesterday.) Before he left, he kissed me in my room and we did the forehead thing again. Then he walked to the door, and kissed me in front of my parents.

Then a text message claiming “we have to talk about it, and general talking.”

It?

What is it?

When we talked next, there was no disscusion of “it.”

No talk of anything pertaining to what’s next, or his thoughts on that day.

So tell me, how am I supposed to figure out what’s going on, when you don’t tell me anything?

A simple “I liked what happened, and would like it to happen again.”

or

“I don’t want to date you, so let’s just be friends.”

I’ll be fine with either darling, but don’t play with me.

Ladies, i’d like to hear your thoughts or questions on this subject please.

I wish I was a vampire.

I really do. Lol.

Anywho, I am happy to have my colored font button back.

So i’ve been pretty busy lately. I got the stomach flu, and then I got a head cold. I had to press on through finals while I felt like total crap. I really hope I passed my Math final. It seemed like I got some of the questions right, but it’s always a toss up. My twenty page English paper turned out like crap because I was sick when I wrote it. I didn’t have time to edit it, so I probably fucked it up pretty bad, but at least I turned it in and i’m going to get a grade for it. I finished my Health final in 7 or less minutes. I am a bad ass. I don’t know if I passed Zoology yet. Grades don’t get posted till sometime in January. I don’t have to go back to school until January 26th I think, so hopefully I can find a class to add before then. If not, i’ll be scrambling to find a class before add/drop ends. My Christmas shopping is all done. I just have to wrap one present and put all the stocking stuffers in the stockings….when we actually get around to hanging them. Lol. Joe came to see me while he was on leave. He ships off to Kuwait on the 29th and then he goes to Iraq. I am nervous. Angel and I made tons of cookies and baked goods to give to people, because I can’t afford to get everyone presents. We watched some Christmas movies with the family too. I also want to have a New Years Eve party. I am very excited about that. I will update more on the subject soon. I need a good name for my Guild Wars character, so throw some my way! I’m gonna go read.

Happy Holidays! <3

I am so tired right now. I just want to go home and curl up in bed, but I still have a math class to attend. 4 hours and 40 minutes till I can go home! Yay. So to recap my life, last Thursday I went to see Twilight at midnight. It was cool. There was a bunch of teenage girls there however, so at some parts, I couldn’t even hear the movie. Friday I went to Barnes and Noble with Lis and we mooched ice water. Then I had to go home to prove to Dad that I did not have the stupid papers in the car he needed. I drove to Angels after that and Megan and Erin came over. We attempted to play Eat It, but we were all pretty tired so we called it a night. On Saturday I saw Zach and Miri Make a Porno again with Marko, and then hung out with Rob, Hugo, Booby, James, David, Dee, and some other people. I ended up eating a really cold/hard Twix in Boobies car while we talked and listened to some awesome music. Sunday I think Nick came over…or something. Monday I went to classes and my cousin Angel shadowed me. It was cool. Tuesday I skipped Health (as usual) and I went to my therapy appointment. Then I went to the doctors and then Nick’s house. Wednesday I went to the UPS interview. I start work on the 15th or around there. Then I picked up my car, got a cake for my Mom, made cranberry sauce, and then went to Joys to make pies. My cousin Justin has two puppies, and they got so big. Primo is his dog. Scooby is not really his, he’s just there until the owner wants to take it. They played a trick on me. Scooby starting drinking my koolaid while Primo ate almost all the stir fry on my plate! Those tricky little bastards. Lol. I was so sad. Thanksgiving was good. I wrote a paper for English, ate food, played games with the family, and all that. They started watching Tropic Thunder but I got bored so I took a nap with my kitty. Then Nicholas, Angel, and I went to see Twilight again. He was annoyed because we talked and swooned alot. Lolz. Then Friday we went to Cracker Barrel and Best Buy. Then we took a nap and me and Nicholas went to the Spill Canvas concert. It was awesome. They make me happy. We went back to his house and watched the new Monk and Psych. Saturday me, mom, dad, Joy, Angel, Debbie, and Jeff all went to see Twilight. Me and Angel knew all the lines so we just recited them and giggled a lot. It was awesome. Then we went to my house, ate, watched Charlie Brown, put up some posters in my room, and then watched Zach and Miri Make a Porno again. Sunday I went to Walmart to get an ice scraper and my mom bought the original rock band for my Christmas present. ^_^ I know, the new Rockband comes out and i’m just getting the first one. Then I just hung around the house. All in all an okay week. Since I was so busy it was a lot easier to just escape all the crap thats been happening.

It is freezing in the coffee lounge today. I have gloves on, and I have my coat draped over my legs. The past few days have been a nightmare. On Friday I had a panic attack in the car on the way to the hookah bar. Nicholas was driving and I just started freaking out. I calmed down a bit, and it was okay after we got out of the car. I was okay for the rest of the weekend until Monday. I got home around 7, because I had class till 6 and then I had to drive home. I start fixing my plate and I eat a little bit when my mom is like “Oh, Win, tell her what the lawyer said” So he tells me that the lawyer needs my therapists name and number and stuff and then he goes “Oh, and he said the insurance company is accepting liablity, and they offered 3,000(something to that effect) for the car. And I was like “Awesome, but you didn’t accept that yet, right? I need to talk to Mikey first” He says no, and then he goes “Well, I can accept it if I want to, it’s my fucking car…blah blah blah” So I say “I’m the one who almost died, it was my accident” and then shit just explodes. He starts screaming, calling me a retard and an idiot, and saying how he’s not going to tell me what else the lawyer said because i’m an asshole, ect. Then mom starts in and is like “I’m taking you off the insurance, blah blah” so i’m like crying all over my dinner and I just get my keys and leave. I drive all the way to my aunts house crying and whatnot in my pj pants and then I hung out with Angel all night (and probably made her late for school the next day). Needless to say, I was upset. So I get home and dad was sleeping mom said “Hi” and that was that. Yesterday I was so tired I didn’t go to health class. I talked to my brother about what happened and then went to therapy. She wants me to go on medication. Anti-depressant/anti-anxiety. I don’t know if I want to take both. I might just get some Xanax and take it when I need it. I doubt i’ll follow the dosage. I don’t want to be hooked on these things, and I certainly don’t want to be a zombie. She also wants me to bring my mom next week. I asked mom, but I don’t know if she’ll go. I hope so. Our family needs to be fixed. Then I went home and slept. I woke up and my mom asked how it went. I told her about the medication, and she was like “Why do you need it?” so then Dad sticks his big head in and starts yelling at me. “You need to stop hanging out with Joy, blah blah blah” So after they left I just got really upset again and it continued throughout the night. I ended up crying myself to sleep and Nicholas calls. It’s like 12 am and we end the call on bad terms. Commence crying myself to sleep and waking up okay. I felt better this morning, he called to see if I was okay, ect. I went to class. Then he calls again and all hell broke loose. We got into a stupid fight and I ended up crying in the coffee lounge. When I stopped crying I wrote him a message on myspace and calmed down. Now i’m writing this and trying to get my mind off everything. I’m making a Sephora holiday e-card for everyone, so expect one in your inboxes soon. I really want this whole crappy accident mess to stop. It’s tearing apart my family and it’s making me mess up everything else. I feel like i’m back in high school again. Depression, thoughts of not so nice things that I could do to myself. But the only exception is i’m stronger now. So I may be depressed, but I know i’m going to make it through this, and I hope beyond all hope that things will get better. Right now, I just need a stable support group to help me get over this hump in the road. Yes, I said hump.

Ten points for saying BONER.

So basically I registered for one class for my major and two elective classes plus a gym class that is only worth half a credit. Four classes and I still only have 9.5 credits. I desperately need to find another class. My problem? THERE IS NOTHING. I don’t know if they haven’t figured out who is teaching the classes or what, but I can’t even find closed classes that I need. If I could find closed classes I could watch it like a hawk until someone dropped it. What is going on SCSU? I am filled with dread at the thought that I might not find another class let alone two more classes to bring me up to par with my work load. I am in a quickly sinking ship, and at the moment, I cannot find a safety vest to save my life. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I am numb. My stomach is constantly clenched or churning, and I do not know what to do. Yes, I admit I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NOW. I’ve heard bad things come in threes, but I must be in the second digit column by now. Maybe it’s a punishment. I was spared my life, and yet I have no time to actually live it. Tomorrow morning I am going to try to talk to my adviser and see what she can do for me (if she can even do something). I feel like vomiting. When winter break rolls around I might just curl in a ball under my covers and stay there until school starts back up. Nanowrimo has taken a major backseat. I have like 700 or so words I think, and I should have about 20,000 by now. I guess i’ll just have to try again next year. I need to study for my Math exam. I honestly hope I can pull that grade up.

The sad thing is…I really do like lemonade.

I am at a loss as to why my blog does not show the boxes for changing the font and stuff. I like changing my font colors. So here is a brief review of my life since last month: Car accident the week before midterms. Missed quizzes and my Bio midterm. Starting failing Math because I missed so many classes it was impossible to keep up. Probably failing Zoology. Had to buy a car with nearly all the money I saved up and I still had to borrow some from my parents. Due to working crazy hours every weekend, I missed out on time with Nicholas, and I don’t even know whats going on with him nowadays. I just found out what he did for Halloween yesterday. I had to replace a lot of my stuff that got damaged in the accident. The guys insurance company still has not accepted liability, so bills are piling up and a few are even past due, so now I have to probably pay more for that. I haven’t been to the gym since the last weekend of September. On Saturday I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. I need to look for another job. I don’t know what classes I’m going to take, because when I looked on the website all the classes in my major were full, and I don’t get to register until Monday. I am also very behind in Nanowrimo. Despite all of that, I am just going to keep trying my hardest and stay positive. Even though it’s hard sometimes. I can’t wait till winter break!