Archive for Uncategorized

I’m waiting and fading and floating away…

So Justin Savage was stabbed to death today… I really don’t know what to say about that. This was the boy that I used to have a crush on. I gave him his first taste of a ciggarette. He held my hand at my birthday party after Misty dumped me. We made out at the Franco American. We took pictures, ate Chinese, went over each others houses, went to the mall…My stomach hurts. My mind is racing along with my heart…How can this happen? Oh Jussy…

Wow.

This guy I used to go to school with, Chris Pappas, welll I found out today that he’s in gay porn. I saw it with my own eyes. And almost puked. He was such an asshole when I knew him. Ugh.

I am hurting…

And I want it to stop. He won’t talk to me. I saw that girl Roz at the mall today and I was too scared to talk to her. I hate that he is making ME feel bad about this when he’s the one who dumped me. I am in so much pain. It’s all I ever think about. I seriously just want this to stop. End it all. Why? What did I ever do to him that makes it okay for this to happen? I can’t live in my head any longer.

I have been fighting the good fight…

When is there time to update? Neverrrr. I took on a reallllly tough work load at school this semester. Multiple poems due every week along with critiques on 15 of my classmates. Fiction stories to read, comment on, pour over. Literature class is weighing me down. I’m not good enough for it. Teacher’s words, not mine. And then Shakespeare. A play a week, an Act a night. When is there time for anything else? Of course now I just got a job, so I’m really going to go crazy. But I will march on, because that is my job. My official job is to always be in a stressful situation and constantly work through it. Zoloft is going to be a large part of that in the coming months. Apparently headshrinkers think I am an amusing case. Lots to report, little time to do so, and now my laptop is dying and I left the charger at home on my brand spanking new IKEA desk. The one that I am still in pain from, due to moving it around a million times. Oh my.

The good life…

I did the white ones.

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/World

8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant- Not on purpose. I got stuck with the bill after work once.
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies
62. Went Whale Watching

63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand-new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

45 for me. I want to do more!

I’d like to think that you care about me…

But I don’t think that you actually do.

My decent into chaos.

I hate the library computers. I also hate that I never update my blog. I seriously need to figure out how I am going to pass Math. I do not want to take this stupid class over again. Not to mention that I am already behind in my workload because I wasn’t able to take five classes like I wanted. Next semester I am taking six. I have to catch up. Aside from a language and two exercise science courses, I am done with my general requirements. I get to start taking all major courses next semester. My car is being really gay and I have to take it to get fixed (for the second time this week) and my dad said that if they can’t fix it, then I have to trade it in and get a new one. My case is still not in the stages of being resolved because I think that the guys insurance company is trying to somehow pin the accident on me. I want this all to be done. It’s bad enough that I constantly am envisioning myself dying in multiple ways, but I get really freaked out when I drive. I need to see a therapist. Once I find out if they are accepting liability, then I am going to get a shrink. If they aren’t, I’ll just have to find some way to see one. Maybe I will only have to pay like 20 bucks for copay. That’s wishful thinking however because my health insurance coverage sucks. I have a practical in lab on Monday and all I have to study from are the slides. Dehlia missed school today so I couldn’t copy the lab book. Sadly, that means I will automatically get points taken off because MY CAR ACCIDENT FUCKED UP MY LIFE. I wish I could fast foward life. In other news, this guy I went to high school with got shot in the face early monday morning and he died. I found out through a text message a few hours after it happened. His girlfriend who I also knew in high school and was slightly closer to is pregnant with his baby. Life sucks all around apparently. I also hate how people TALK IN THE LIBRARY like the girls next to me are doing. I will laugh out loud if they see this as i’m typing it. HAHA THEY DID! I can’t wait till Christmas break. I am going to sedate myself with lots of booze and television. Or reading…whatever. I am tired of dealing with the hell that is reality. I could go for a blunt right now. That is very bad of me. Oh well. It’s the truth. WHERE IS DEHLIA WITH HER CANCER STICKS? I would enjoy one right about now. Preferably a crush. I would like to try those one day. It is really hot in here. I’m wearing a tanktop and a thin hoodie and i’m starting to sweat a bit. Well I should get going soon. I have to cancel my appointment with my advisor for tomorrow because my car is going to be in the shop. I wonder how i’m going to get to work…maybe my aunt will be nice and let me borrow her car under the condition that I will fill the tank (hopefully I get my check in the mail soon so I can make good on that promise). When will I find time for NANOWRIMO?

Sarah Palin is the devil in a bikini…

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it’s their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don’t like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story — connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God’s plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin’s view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, “It was a task from God.”

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist’s baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God’s name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don’t move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, “Drill Drill Drill.” I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

By: Eve Ensler

It’s only as dark as you make it…

When I found out Liane died I felt like I was punched in the gut. Liane? The beautiful, tall, smart, and funny girl I knew back in high school? The girl I had a crush on because she could light up a room, and had an awesome personality? Eric Mahon confirmed it with a sob. I refuse to believe she died how he said she did. I know that there is evidence, and I know its true, but I don’t want to tarnish my thoughts of her. People make mistakes. Unfortunately for her, that mistake cost her her life. I can only imagine what Jeremy is going through. I knew him even less than I knew Liane, but my heart goes out to him and her family. Especially her daughter Savannah. It seems that because I have so many friends and acquaintances that tragedy seems to occur twice as much for me. Christian died at the beginning of the summer and now Liane died at the end. I have seen so much loss in my short 18 years of living that each time the shock fades the slightest bit. It’s almost like I expect something bad to happen, so when it does i’m not surprised. Just upset. I am glad for the time I spent with her and I wish that I had kept in touch with her and everyone else. Especially Lena. I was closer to Lena and Eric, but i’ve barely talked to them since they graduated. I have class in the morning so I should probably go to sleep. R.I.P. Liane Berthiaume…

I just called to say I love you….

I found a mix that Nicholas made for me. I love that kid. :) He’s at GenCon in Indy for five days. He left today. I miss him already. This summer was a little hard for us, but i’m happy with where we are right now. I cannot believe it is 4:16 am. Rawr. I can’t sleep for some reason. Tomorrow I have to go see Mamma Mia! with Nicks mum. As long as I can buy the tickets before she gets there I won’t mind. I don’t like it when people pay for me, and his parents always try to. I am going to try and get some sleep now, but I can’t wait to start writing here. I miss blogging. Lol.

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