Quick update. School is good so far. I really enjoyed my first day of classes. I even have a few friends in them. Lots of homework already though. Justin’s wake and funeral were really sad, but I felt him there, so it helped. I found out this boy that kissed me at the Haunted Graveyard is gay. Ugh. For some strange reason, i’ve kissed quite a few gay guys. My letters of love penpal is awesome. I really hope I can help her out, and support her. Right now I have to get moving though because I still have some homework to do, and it’s almost midnight. Yikes! I have to get up early too!

So Justin Savage was stabbed to death today… I really don’t know what to say about that. This was the boy that I used to have a crush on. I gave him his first taste of a ciggarette. He held my hand at my birthday party after Misty dumped me. We made out at the Franco American. We took pictures, ate Chinese, went over each others houses, went to the mall…My stomach hurts. My mind is racing along with my heart…How can this happen? Oh Jussy…

This guy I used to go to school with, Chris Pappas, welll I found out today that he’s in gay porn. I saw it with my own eyes. And almost puked. He was such an asshole when I knew him. Ugh.

I’m sitting here trying to get this feeling of desperation out of my mind. I’m struggling with this weight that’s pressing down upon me. The depression fools you into thinking it’s gone, and then it comes back for no reason. Why? I have to live like this day in and day out fighting an invisible force that I don’t understand. I hide from it, and I hide it from others, but i’m done hiding. Pills are a temporary fix, but confession: I still felt depressed sometimes. I need someone right now. I need someone to sit and watch movies with me, and just…be around when I need them. I need the true definition of a friend. I want to drown is happiness until I can’t take it anymore, and then I take another swim. Well, i’m not swimming or drowning. I’m simply sinking.

Gotta love a good Anti- Flag song. Anyway, worked a bunch. I’m itchy, tanner than ever (ugh), and sore. Fun times. Tomorrow I have my appointment with my “therapist.” I haven’t been able to go in a while, and it sucks. Then on Thursday i’m gonna be in Hatebreeds music video! Fuck yeah! Then I work Saturday and Sunday, and Sunday is INCUBUS. Oh yeah. I’m also going to Mayhem Fest, and to see Kathy Griffin. I’m all about the live entertainment again. I missed concerts and such. “Frank” and I have decided on what we’re going to do on our date. I’m excited. Atleast he wants to talk to me. Unlike “Martin.” Ugh. I have to admit, I do feel lonely sometimes because my friends are always too busy to hang out with me, ans when they’re not, something still gets in the way. I’m gonna go work on Joe’s care package for him and his mates in Iraq. Woo.

And I lie awake…I miss you.

So I have decided to move on.

“Martin” doesn’t deserve my time.

Fucking stoner.

Anyway. Tonight I talked to this boy “Frank” for hours (like 5 hours) on the phone, and it ended in a nice web cam chat. He’s in the Air Force, and he’s pretty neat. He comes back from training in Texas next month, so we’re gonna hang out.

I’m gonna be glad when school starts up again, so i’ll stop feeling the need to go on dates and have someone fill my time. I also wish work would pick up again. Maybe i’ll ask for a few shifts at my old crappy job.

Yesterday I saw Marko perform at Subterranean Sound. I seriously love him. He’s such a good friend to me, and when he’s up on stage, I feel like a proud mother. Lol.

I got some good “weaves” *cough cough* right now, so i’m gonna get blazed as much as I can this week. You are all welcome to come and enjoy as well. Gotta love a good bag of weaves.

My life is super boring right now I guess. I’ll update more later. Hopefully. I’m sure my blog is pretty pissed at me right now for not updating ever. Oh well. I’ve been reading a lot.

Let’s call him Martin. Martin and I have scads in common.  It’s freakish really. We talked a bit, and really hit it off. One day we were hanging out. He was acting quite weird because he was “tired.” He asked to cuddle, I obliged. We cuddled alright. We also made out on and off for two hours. It was the “artsy, romance movie” makeout style. Lots of forehead touching, long kisses, carressing, it was beautiful. (I also found a small hickey yesterday.) Before he left, he kissed me in my room and we did the forehead thing again. Then he walked to the door, and kissed me in front of my parents.

Then a text message claiming “we have to talk about it, and general talking.”

It?

What is it?

When we talked next, there was no disscusion of “it.”

No talk of anything pertaining to what’s next, or his thoughts on that day.

So tell me, how am I supposed to figure out what’s going on, when you don’t tell me anything?

A simple “I liked what happened, and would like it to happen again.”

or

“I don’t want to date you, so let’s just be friends.”

I’ll be fine with either darling, but don’t play with me.

Ladies, i’d like to hear your thoughts or questions on this subject please.

And I want it to stop. He won’t talk to me. I saw that girl Roz at the mall today and I was too scared to talk to her. I hate that he is making ME feel bad about this when he’s the one who dumped me. I am in so much pain. It’s all I ever think about. I seriously just want this to stop. End it all. Why? What did I ever do to him that makes it okay for this to happen? I can’t live in my head any longer.

When is there time to update? Neverrrr. I took on a reallllly tough work load at school this semester. Multiple poems due every week along with critiques on 15 of my classmates. Fiction stories to read, comment on, pour over. Literature class is weighing me down. I’m not good enough for it. Teacher’s words, not mine. And then Shakespeare. A play a week, an Act a night. When is there time for anything else? Of course now I just got a job, so I’m really going to go crazy. But I will march on, because that is my job. My official job is to always be in a stressful situation and constantly work through it. Zoloft is going to be a large part of that in the coming months. Apparently headshrinkers think I am an amusing case. Lots to report, little time to do so, and now my laptop is dying and I left the charger at home on my brand spanking new IKEA desk. The one that I am still in pain from, due to moving it around a million times. Oh my.

So nothing worth noting has been going on in my life until today. I’ve pretty much just watched Bones, hung out with people, and read a lot during break. I’ve done some other stuff, but it’s not important. Let me just break down this post.

• I have decided to join an archeology club. They have one called the Litchfield Hills Archeology Group or something and it looks super interesting. I have always wanted to go on a dig, and they do digs during the summer. I might even take a class or two at Southern about it.
  
• I want to start a book club. It will meet once a month, but I have yet to decide where to hold it. I’d like to find people who are interested first, so then we can find a place that is convenient for all.
  
• I am applying to libraries in the surrounding areas of my town, and I really hope I find something. I would love to work at a library.
  
• I want to volunteer (or work) at the Clockwork Repertory Theater. When I was looking them up on the internet, I found that they did a Murder Mystery Thriller play last year, and I would love being involved with something like that.
• I honestly want to find better people to be around. I am tired of people taking me for granted and I want to make new contacts and expand my social circle. The things I’ve mentioned above are going to better my life, and possible help me network and find more opportunities. My therapist has been helping me a lot with this, and I can’t wait to start doing more with my life.
  
• Classes start up on Monday. I honestly do not want to go. I am going to be so stressed until I can find classes to fill the gaps. I also want to drop exercise science because I have a gym membership, and I don’t want to take a class that I can easily get waived. I have to concentrate on finding classes that I really need to take, like a LANGUAGE. At this rate I’ll be taking a language until I graduate. Ugh. I pretty much decided to take Spanish. Since everything is being written in English and Spanish, it couldn’t hurt.
  
• Soon I will start working on my case against the insurance company. I am nervous, but eager to put this all behind me so I can finally heal. I can still see the scar from the seat belt and it is a reminder that I am so lucky to be alive. That is why I got the tattoo I did. ( In case I forgot to mention I got a tattoo that says “I’m Alive” on my left breast. It was the closest I could get to my heart and I love it.) I have to keep telling myself to live my life. I need to do what I want to do for a change, and stop being scared. It’s time to put myself first for once. I am quite excited.
  
• I need to go to the gym more. Ever since the accident I got lazy. I gained all the weight I lost over the summer back. It bothers me. I want to be healthier. I also have got to stop this on and off smoking thing. Weed and Camels. Ugh. It does not help, trust me. A few minutes of intensive running on the treadmill and I’m just about gasping for breath. When I smoke, my lungs and chest hurt pretty bad. Mostly it’s when I smoke weed. Honestly, I am going to stop. Ask me in a month if I did, and you’ll be satisfied with your answer. I don’t get addicted to things so it’s easy for me to quit. Quite easy actually…as long as I just resist the temptation. I swear, one day I’m going to knock that devil off my shoulder and give the angel a cookie! ( Strange enough the Angel looks like David Borneaz. Hottie!)

• I have fallen in love with Bit Torrenting. I downloaded all five seasons of Angel, all four seasons of Bones (I know, it’s an addiction), all six seasons of Family Guy, and the original Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie with Kristy Swanson, Donald Sutherland, David Arquette, and the fabulous Luke Perry (in his prime). Ben Affleck and Ricki Lake make slight appearances as well. I highly recommend this movie. Who cares if it’s cheesy? It’s cheesy at it’s best. I have also downloaded a few other things.
  

I am hanging out with Nicholas tomorrow before NVCC starts on Thursday and the Optimum Online guys just got here to fix the box that has been making my internet all wacky. (Yeah, it’s 1:30 am…I know) So I say it is time for bed. Goodnight. <3

And now I can’t post it because the internet is down again! UGH. There are two cop cars and two Optimum trucks out there. Fix my internet and let me go to sleep! Sheesh.